Masood Hasan

Perhaps the only thing worse than being an Ahmedi in modern-day Islamic Pakistan is to be a bakra, particularly the black variety. If a report emanating from Islamabad is to be believed, they are having the devil’s own luck – no not the Ahmedis; their goose is as good as cooked – but the four-legged black goats.

It seems that there is a cycle of procurement, blessing and deletion that is working far better with bakras than it is with the under siege government of President Zardari. According to this report, the village of Saidpur which I thought was going to be developed into an arts and crafts village, is where the presidential staff are to be found, selecting the best black bakras which are then transported (bullet-proof Suzuki van?) to the Presidency. Here the lucky one for the day is led up (the garden path?) and presented to the president who touches his forehead (the bakra’s) and off the chap goes to the president’s private home, where knives await.

I have no idea if the black ones are given a long weekend or not. Maybe they do three (magical number) on Thursdays (magical day). This, if true, is obviously not the kind of news that the bakra community will receive with shouts of happiness and throwing of turnips in the air, and since they do not have any protection under the law, have no association or chamber of commerce, are not personally known to the CJ, I am afraid the second decade could well be a matter of life and death for them.

Being a bakra is bad enough as it is. Being consigned to Planet Pakistan is really bad luck. This is a country where cannibals could obtain citizenship overnight, but a good, decent law-abiding bakra has the script cut out for him. If he is a black one it is curtains for sure, and pretty soon. If he is lucky and not black, perhaps a few days or weeks more with the turnips, and then over to the chopping mills. A good Pakistani will under dire circumstances even forsake his beloved booze but take his meat away, and you have the making of a demented and ferocious suicide bomber.

The Islamabad report, which I keep hoping – if for nothing else than the bakra’s sake – is a piece of flighty imagination, goes further to say that the Presidency is on the lookout for all things black that can be used to ward off the evil eye. In this connection, various birds have also played a part in the R&D section; although the report suggests that when a live wire fell on the black partridges (or was it crows?) and fried them to a cinder, it was seen as an omen from the heavens that partridges were not acceptable. This, if true, could be just about the luckiest break the partridges have had in Pakistan where they have had one hell of a time dodging the predators. As they say, one man’s loss is another partridge’s gain.

If the country eventually runs out of black bakras, is there a contingency plan in the pipeline? If not, what in heaven’s name is the Planning Commission up to? Since we all know that the last thing they understand is planning for a country, can we ask them instead to concentrate on bakras? This is not too difficult. All you have to do is get a bakra and gaze with great concentration in his eyes. It gives the right results, particularly if the bakra is not dead.

Personally I think it is only a matter of time before we will be importing bakras who would have to first embrace Islam and then be slaughtered. The reason is that apart from the president there are the faithful who find great percentage in making animal sacrifices on a scale that even Prophet Abraham would find disturbing. From the early days of our creation – 1947 not 1482, please – ritual sacrificing has been in great fashion. But if memory serves me right, cows, buffaloes, camels and suchlike were hardly a part of it.

Of course, all that is changed, and once we have decimated this lot we could consider elephants, hippos, giraffes and the entire cat family. The monkeys will have to be kept at bay since we have a philosophical falling out with them, which may be bad news for the bloodletting nutters but jolly good news for all monkeys.

But if black is the favoured colour, why stop at living things? We could sacrifice black ballpoints – they are not much use in a country where the literacy rate is going in the other direction – hairclips, socks, shoes, neckties, shirts, trousers, and so on. The list is endless, and one can see the headlines already. “Pakistan sacrifices 64 million black shirts with great fervour.” The possibilities are endless as the man said.

Of course, the president is not alone in all this. At least on this one count, the country is with him; because public piety and the blind adherence to ritual has found a passionate response here, leading to mass slaughter of livestock quite, forgetting the real intent of that ancient rite. Since lip service and worship of the obvious are far more important than the essence of all things, our record speaks well for itself. Blind yourself to the ritual and hang reason or good sense, for that is a waste of time.

Of course, the president is not alone even amongst the long list of those who have ruled this country since 1947. I doubt that Mr Jinnah was into this ritual slaughter, as I have yet to see a picture of him kneeling with a particularly sharp knife poised for the kill, or read a riveting account of the deed. But by and large, the track record recovered fairly well after that, and although I personally have no knowledge how many animals were given the chop by Mr Liaquat Ali Khan, Mr Bogra or Mr Suhrawardy, Mr Zardari, one hears, is well-versed in these occult arts. He may speak to us from very select, non-people places and thunder that he does not fear death, but it is death that fears him – all this from behind a bullet-proof screen, and the irony not lost on the people. But when it comes to a black bakra to ward off the evil eye, he is the last man who will say no. Not realising that even at that moment, Mr. Sharif may be carving up a black one to jinx Mr Zardari’s black one and the MQM’s Telephone Man of the Year carving up two black ones to get rid of Messrs Zardari and Sharif.

All this is rum stuff. I can only add that had we sacrificed one black bakra before each match in Australia, we would have been leading 3-0 instead of 0-3. When will they learn?

The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: masoodhasan66@gmail.com