Immorality, impotence and other afflictions of the mind

By Salman Rashid

A JUI MNA has recently taken over as the Minister for Tourism. And if anyone sees any irony in that, they had better get their heads inspected by an expert leather worker. At the very outset he in tandem with his parliamentary secretary (who else but a mufti) has pledged to ban alcohol and immoral activities from all Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC) motels. In view of this avalanche of immorality that covers these places of evil, I declare all PTDC establishments should henceforth be known by their correct name: Vice Dens.

Wow! Being one of those lesser mortals as compared to the worthy maulanas and not particularly averse to enjoying immoral activities, I am ashamed of my own ignorance. Why, over the past quarter century of masquerading as a travel writer, I have availed of the board and lodge at PTDC Vice Dens from Astore (Rama Lake, actually) to Ziarat and the fun and games have somehow always eluded me.

While even pious maulanas were in the know of the shady carryings-on behind the closed doors of PTDC Vice Dens (God forbid! The mullahs were of course never part of the iniquity), I foolishly spent my free hours in my room twiddling my thumbs. Because of the excellent soundproofing that all Vice Den rooms obviously have, I never heard those squeals of delight emanating from neighbouring rooms. And so, in my utter naiveté I failed to be part of the revelry.

The most fun I ever had was in autumn some years ago in Khaplu when I was the sole occupant of the Vice Den. There I sat on the steps outside my room reading and occasionally gathering up the ripe walnuts as they plonked about all around me, cracking them with a stone and eating the delicious, milky kernels.

Had I not been such a blockhead and only looked around me, I might have discerned movement behind the drapes where all those lovelies were waiting for boring old me to join them in some drunken Bacchanalian revel. But oh woe! I did not know what fun waited to be had. Any smarter and I would have, as the sole occupant of the Vice Den, been a very Raja Inder of legend surrounded by a battalion of beauties.

I suppose the Vice Dens operated under a very strict code of secrecy. Only members initiated to the Cabal of Carnality had access to the proceedings. Since PTDC is a government set-up, I suspect agencies like IB, ISI and FIA stepped in to screen prospective members thereby keeping yahoos like yours truly at arms length. And since Hussain Haqqani has shown in his book on Pakistan that these agencies (as well as the military) and the clergy are actually two sides of the same coin, we know how the maulana and his parliamentary secretary are aware of the super-secret proceedings.

We do not read, even in this age of easy internet access, of such resolve of any other country to rid its tourism industry of lechery. A libertine living outside Pakistan and reading the coverage of our good maulana’s determination to purge PTDC of immorality would therefore not be wrong in believing Pakistan was the ultimate bordello in the world; the bonking-shop to put an end to all others.

In their mind’s eye they would see a land of drunken people lurching from carnality to the most lurid and exhibitionist carnality without let or hindrance. To them Pakistan would be the supreme dream come true of the debauch. That’s how perceptions are formed. In reality, here we are dying for a piece of the action and not getting any.

Nearly three decades ago I lived and worked in Karachi when Pakistan really was another country where foreigners never felt threatened. The firm I worked for routinely got young engineering interns from Germany to come out for their hands-on training at their facility. I became friend with one, a rather insightful young man, who should really have been a writer and not an engineer. Guenther wanted to know everything about Pakistan.

His favourite was wall chalkings. As we drove around Karachi, he made me translate these slogans and carefully noted their meaning in a meticulously kept diary. Then one day we together travelled to Lahore by train. I do not recall what most of the slogans were in Karachi, but I distinctly remember that once we crossed into my native Punjab every other sign screamed about mardana kumzori –impotence.

Now those were days when jihad was still confined to Afghanistan and even south Punjab did not have all those slogans (as it does today) exhorting Muslims to do in the infidels wherever they came upon them. No surprise then that our only national concern in those days was of a priapic nature. From Rahim Yar Khan until we reached Lahore, Guenther had collected the addresses of some three-dozen ‘clinics’ that restored virility. He had also learned an equal number of names of precursors to Viagra — many of which claimed to contain a liberal dose of gold.

What surprised him was that ‘clinics’ from Jhelum, Lala Musa and Gujranwala were advertising their wares in the deep south of Punjab. To Guenther this meant that people were prepared to go long ways to cure their impotence. Similarly, in Lahore not only did he come upon an over-abundance of what Lahoris in those days called ‘sex clinics’, but also ads from Dera Ghazi Khan and Rahim Yar Khan.

Not believing what I had translated, Guenther got me to take him to once such clinic in Multan Road near the orphanage. The shifty ‘doctor’ who did not speak English gave us non-answers for all Guenther’s questions. What we did learn was that most of his clientele were not oldies but young soon-to-be-married men.

Guenther felt that Pakistan’s biggest problem was not poor economy or rampant population growth or lack of education or corruption in government departments or a total absence of work ethic or even a military dictatorship rotten to the core. It was a lack of virility. Pakistan, so my friend concluded, was a nation of impotent men. But what baffled him was how such a nation could have uncontrolled population growth. This, I told him, was one of the inscrutable Lord’s greatest miracles.

The impotence-curing slogans persist to this day. In fact, they have grown in number and the variety of preparations they offer. And now we learn that Pakistan is also beset with the problem of uncontrolled debauchery that the good Minister for Tourism will put an end to. If there was ever a paradox, it is this: the government-owned PTDC operates vice dens for a nation of impotent men.

Maulana Prado Becomes Instant Star

The brother of Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman (popularly known as Maulana Diesel) Maulana Atta-ur-Rehman, who was recently inducted in the Federal Cabinet as Minister for Tourism has become an instant star in Pakistani Politics.

His controversial debut on the stage of Pakistani Politics started with his elections in 2008, when his results were held by the Election Commission on rigging allegations. During recounting of the votes in his constituency, mysteriously some of the ballot boxes were snatched by unknown people, and he was later declared as a winner, which is widely believed as a result of power-sharing deal between Zardari and Maulana Brothers.

Immediately after joining the Federal Cabinet, he demanded a Toyota Prado that was being used by the Managing Director of Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC), Brigadier Retd. Amanullah. After refusal by the MD of PTDC as per the rules, Maulana (Prado) got frustrated and planned to snatch his desired vehicle (Prado) by force.

Maulana requested the MD to send the Prado to receive some guests at the airport, where he and his armed gangsters thrashed the driver out of the vehicle and Maulana (Prado) himself got control of the vehicle and drove away!

The very next day, the MD of PTDC received a letter mentioning that he has been fired by the Minister after consultation with the Prime Minister. Later on, The Prime Minister declared the statement of Maulana (Prado) a blatant lie and denied any consultation on this issue. The PM also confirmed that a Minister has no powers to fire a government officer of this level.

In another episode of his achievements, Maulana (Prado) refused to visit Swat by rejecting the recommendations of the Standing Committee for Tourism in Senate. However he accepted another recommendation by the same committee, with a big smile on his face, to visit the European beaches in order to get some “Unique” ideas for tourism development in Pakistan.

Tourists? No thanks

Editorial: TheNews

Monday, February 09, 2009
Tourism and Pakistan have never enjoyed an entirely easy relationship. This is a country crammed with sites that should attract tourists by the hundred of thousands every year – yet even on a good year we never seem to see more than a trickle, and most of them in the mountain areas to the north. Our coffers should be filled by a steady stream of Forex flowing from the pockets of tourists from other countries here to enjoy our legendary hospitality. Our domestic tourism has nosedived for the same reasons as our foreign tourism – nobody wants to spend a relaxing weekend in a venue that offers public beheading, flogging and dismemberment at the flick of the suicide bombers switch. We also suffer under the stern advice of foreign embassies who tell their citizens not to travel to Pakistan, that it is dangerous and if you really do have to come here make sure you have a security plan in place before you do. As if all this was not enough, successive governments have treated tourism as something akin to an unmentionable social disease that is ever present and not quite curable – and have appointed as ministers of tourism a lacklustre bunch of faceless nobodies who know as much about tourism and its promotion as does the average roadside beggar. On the single occasion in recent years when somebody with an interest in the matter got appointed – Nilofer Bakhtiar – she was swiftly hounded from office by the forces of darkness for an un-Islamic hug of her sky-diving instructor.

We now have a tourism minister, Maulana Ataur Rehman, of the JUI-F – a party well known for its affinity with the Taliban school of thought. Having been in the job for less than a week Mr Rehman has already got his knife well stuck into what is left of the tourist industry. He has railed against the ‘immorality’ of foreigners and declared that the – perfectly legal – sale of alcohol to non-Muslims in hotels should stop forthwith. Presumably singing and dancing by local folk-performers is next on the cards, after all it would not be appropriate for foreigners to witness our rich cultural traditions, would it? And he might as well close all the theatres and cinemas, shut down the KaraFilm festival and ban whistling in the street if he really wants to do the job properly. Of all the nonsensical appointments made by the sitting government this one really does take the prize. Whatever is left of our tourism industry may as well shut-up shop now… and a message to all you immoral hard-drinking foreigners – ‘Don’t come to Pakistan’, signed Maulana Ataur Rehman, Minister for Tourism.