VIEW: Marriage by choice —Mashal Sahir

In our community, people who tie the knot according to their will are considered to have gone against their family’s honour. The union is seen as an act of disrespect towards the elders

‘Marriage’ is a very simple and clear concept. By definition, it is a voluntary union of two people that binds them together for a lifetime. How does this straightforward notion raise so many issues in our society? Recently, the Punjab government added eight new clauses to the nikahnama. The administration made it obligatory for the parents/guardians of both the bride and bridegroom to sign the document as witnesses, which obviously meant that an adult couple would not have been able to get married without their parents’ consent. Therefore, this would have discouraged marriage by choice. Although the notification regarding the clauses was withdrawn after facing severe criticism, the fact that they were brought in the first place reveals that even in a so-called modern era, our society is against the idea of free will when it comes to exchanging rings.

In our community, people who tie the knot according to their will are considered to have gone against their family’s honour. The union is seen as an act of disrespect towards the elders. Detained by their respective families, the bride and groom are forcibly married to someone else, threatened, humiliated, assaulted or even killed. Emotional blackmail is another well-tested tactic. According to Islam, marriage is a solemn covenant. It requires total commitment and is not a matter that can be taken lightly. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of matrimony so that the union can be a lasting one. Its general purpose is to let two individuals of the opposite gender provide companionship, love, support and protection to one another and procreate children. It is highly unreasonable to expect two persons who are forced to live with each other fulfilling the conditions mentioned above. As a result, the marriage will fail, resulting in either a divorce or a suffocated life for both.

A successful marriage requires love and understanding. Unlike in Pakistan, adults in numerous countries exercise their right to marry by choice. The underlying question is simply why does our society not accept the idea of marriage by choice? In some cases, the reason that is given is tradition. The older generation becomes so accustomed to it that it becomes very difficult for them to change their mindset. According to a report by Amnesty International, Ghazala was set on fire and burned to death, reportedly by her brother, in Joharabad in 1999 because her family suspected she was having an illicit relationship with a neighbour. Her burnt and naked body reportedly lay unattended on the street for two hours as nobody wanted to have anything to do with it.

Ego has something to do with the problem as well. Although most parents would never admit it, they do like being in control of their children’s lives. The idea of their child wanting to marry out of his/her choosing is seen as a sign of losing control, which they interpret as a fear of losing the child altogether. In 2001, 22 year-old Hifza Kakar was shot dead by her brother at the gate of a Sessions Court in Quetta where the police had escorted her from the local Darul Aman. She had married Fayyaz Moon in 1998 but her parents filed a criminal complaint against her husband, alleging that he had abducted her and committed adultery. During court hearings, Hifza asserted that she had not been abducted but had married Fayyaz freely. After the shootout, the court acquitted the couple and the killer was arrested.

Among poor people in rural areas, daughters are sold for money. Girls are married to the suitor with the highest bid and are considered nothing more than articles of trade. Amnesty International reported that Bakhtwar, 18, who belonged to a Pathan tribe in Sindh, had married Roshan Junejo (in 2000) before a magistrate in Nawabshah. Her father strongly objected as he had earlier accepted a proposal from a kinsman, which reportedly involved the payment of Rs 400,000 and two daughters. Bakhtwar’s mother had reportedly met and approved Junejo. Captured by some relatives, she was held in quasi-detention. The elders of the tribe gave written assurances to the Junejos that Bakhtwar would not be harmed, would be allowed to appear in court to state whether she wanted to stay with her husband or family, and that they would respect her decision. Meanwhile, several hundred Pathan tribesmen protested against Bakhtwar’s disobedience and attacked the place where she was held with the intention to kill her. They denounced the union and insisted on protecting the family’s ‘honour’. One of them said, “We will protect our honour. It is our tradition and part of our culture, irrespective of what the people say.” Later on, a jirga of the Pathan and Junejo tribes gathered and decided that the girl would stay with her parents.

All these cases are evidence of the truth that a forced marriage leads to an unhealthy life. An acceptance of marriage by choice can lead to a stronger society. We all live once. Would you rather throw away that one chance for the sake of absurd traditions and social norms and marry someone you do not like and ruin your life? Or would you stand up for your rights and commit yourself to someone you want to be with and lead a life of your own choice? You decide.

Mashal Sahir is a freelance writer and can be reached at mashalsr@hotmail.com